damn proportions

i knew i'd screw this one up.

"your poem sucks faggoty shit balls"

don't try and edit
don't try and undo the past
even if you can
don't
let it flow
feel the wind
fix your hair
shoo away the flies
don't think
don't listen
just
write
bite
fly a kite
don't look right
just look
left
think about who you want
if you want
where you want
or don't
maybe do
who knows who
what knows what
press the backspace
into hyperspace
my condolences
you're so far
away.

poetry? not for me.

never looking forward
our tattered hearts collide
we are blind to the future
we cannot look behind
the scars reappear
crooked fences are rebuilt
we stand on one side only
mending rags with silk

bury your head from the regression
it's not for your eyes
when you're falling through the crack
pretend not to realize
in these waters that you've drowned in
ignore your own pitiful cries

i know this girl

i know this girl.

perhaps i don't know her. maybe she doesn't really exist. maybe i'll never see her again. maybe she'll never exist again.

her name is TEMPERANCE. it feels like sugar and snow on my tongue, every syllable, every sound and movement my tongue makes when her name is in my mouth. i can never let it out though, or else the sugar will turn to ash and the snow to fire and my world will spin around my head, although i don't know this yet and perhaps i'll never find out.

i can't wrap my head around this girl, nor can i get her out of it.
i see her heart melt with loneliness and sadness and i want to help her but our hearts aren't meant to collide, neither are our hands meant to touch. i cannot see this girl through anything but a virtual window of sadness, and we cannot speak. we are mute. but we are in love.

she will leave me behind but i know her heart will always ache for me, and i know that her heart will still conjure up images of me, even if i am long gone from her brain. there are too many distances in between us. we are in different places in every way but only time will shake each other out of our minds. soon time will erase the twinkle of sadness in her eyes, the fire in her hair, the drawings and doodles and scars from her skin. her heart will ache. and as for me, i will never learn my lesson. i will remember the words that she spoke to me on that day, when she told me to take that road and to do what i always wanted to do, but the words will seem hollow and meaningless after this is all done and over with. but it will never be done with. the story will have an end, but the end has not come yet.

bad shittt

so i'm doing really bad in school. i almost failed my report card and i failed this contract and apparently i'm in 'serious danger' of transfering to rosedale, but i'm in denial so i'm refusing to believe that this is true. but i will mend this situation and do better as this contract is better and filled with writing projects which fills my heart with joy.

also it was my birthday a couple of days ago and i officially turned 14 and it was enjoyable.

so that's all that's really new. i think one day i'll sit down and write a really long blog post about shit that's more dominant in my life right now, like how my gym teacher is a duck and my aunt is psycho and whatnot. but my brain isn't really settled down enough quite yet at the moment so many apologies.

x

it's all in due time

i don't really know where this post is going so i'm going to start by mentioning what i think is important.
FIRST THING. i got into rosedale heights school of the arts. i am going to spend the next four years of my life in a state of art making bliss among other people who make art and hopefully be happy. of course, life is never actually like that and it is always that everything will go wrong beyond belief. but nonetheless, i am extremely joyous and excited and nervous all at the same time. all of my friends got in as well so we are going to all go to rosedale and have our bastard krew and maybe start a new generation of hipsters.
also i've started writing short stories again except this time i'm actually finishing them.
and i dyed my bangs purple in a highly uncharacteristic and impulsive act and it looks kind of stupid and i'm slightly disappointed. so eventually i am going to leap from blonde and purple to straight up brown. and it will happen for real. it's all in due time.

this never happened.

once upon a time there was a girl who was lonely. she had friends off in other parts of the world, but she knew that was irrelevant and that truly she was alone and had no one. she had heard of a man through a mention of adoration by someone who was very very important to her. almost too important, and she knew that that importance could not and would not last forever and that she would need to be the one to sever that tie. as she heard more and more about the man, she because curious and when she finally met him, she teased him and flattered him and provoked him. she knew it was wrong deep down inside her, but it didn't stop her because she enjoyed the attention this man gave her. she would always act like she wasn't as lonely as she really was if she knew he was watching her, which he might have been. or he might not have been. she never looked at him directly, not once, so she was never certain if he ever truly looked her in the eye. and if he didn't, maybe that was for the best. maybe if he had he would have truly seen her for what she was, seen the pain that lay behind her otherwise confident and beautiful eyes.
she knew she could have any sort of power over him, but as time went on she began to feel the opposite, like she was slipping and now he had power over her and she could do nothing but keep flattering him, keep stroking his ego.
this girl lived in a magical land of hedonistic ignorance that she knew she had to leave, but she knew that even if she left she would always be bound to it. she avoided the hedonistic ignorance as much as she could because she knew she would never fit into the ideals of these people.
but when this man gave her attention, she could feel for a second that maybe she could belong, that maybe these people would accept her or maybe she could shape herself and change herself into these people's ideals. but there was a part of her that knew everything was wrong, that this man was wrong, that this wasn't love, that she could never even begin to change or even understand herself, and that she would probably be lonely forever.
she never told anybody what was going on, and if she did she never gave the entire truth.
the lonely girl never figured out if this man was aware of the power he had over her, or if maybe he was just an innocent little child at heart who couldn't take responsibility for himself or his actions. he seemed sincere enough, but there was just something about him she never quite trusted, and even after she was long gone from that magical land and he was long gone from her life she couldn't think of what it was. all she knew was that the heartache this man bestowed on her kept leaving and coming back and leaving and coming back until she had no idea how to fix it, no idea how to stop the dreams of him from flowing into her head, no idea what to say or how to get it off her chest and with that the stress became unbearable and all her hair fell out one by one and then her heart exploded. she died alone.