one final thing

this man should be an inspiration to everybody.

mirror mirror

so, things have been slow, as per usual. hence the lack of blog posting for a month, which no body has no doubt noticed because nobody reads this blog. but here's whats up: i am happy more often as opposed to sad. i'm doing pretty good. i've been making a lot of art lately, mostly just drawing things on post it notes and sticking it to my wall. recently these post it notes have been mysteriously disappearing from my wall. i like to think that little art collecting christmas elves have been sneaking out from under my bed and stealing them so they can frame them and put them in a little museum for all the other elves to marvel at. i've been tempted to check under my bed sometimes and see what's going on but then i'd be faced with the fact that there are no elves under my bed, they're just falling off and sliding into the crack in between my bed and my wall and disappearing forever, and then i'd be infinitely sad.
this one is my favourite. it's sitting on my desk.

here's a recent discovery of mine: i dislike having an even distribution of light in a room. so i turned all the track lighting in my room into one direction, so there is a little bit of light in the general area of my bed, and everywhere else is slightly dark. for some reason this makes my mood better.
that's about it.

have a nice day.

dear world

dear world.
please stop making me so lazy that i depend on other people to set my goals for me. please stop making me so irresponsible that i demand that other people take responsibility for me. please give me back the ipod touch that i lost. please make me emotionally satisfied here in this big scary city that i can't make sense of.

so lately i've been less than balanced, outwardly of course. i've been trying to tone myself down but it's hard and the more i talk about it the more i sound like chuck klosterman although that's not necessarily a bad thing. i started rereading killing yourself to live, and the first thing i did halfway through was tell a friend that he needed to read it because it was an amazing book. which it is, so to any forsaken human who happens to be reading this, please read killing yourself to live by chuck klosterman.

anyways, a whole lot of things have been going on in my life and it's pretty ridiculous and some of it is not too great. i went to an open house for a high school last night and my friends were being embarassing. so no etobicoke school of the arts for me. maybe i'll do it anyways and try to challenge myself, but i'm already pretty challenged here at delta, which is pretty much a school for dumb kids. this is part of the reason why i am sad all the time and feel like there's a big black cloud hanging over me. one of these days i'll get around to making sense of all these things that are bugging me, and then i'll write them down and maybe i'll even turn it into a story. for now i'll just read more chuck klosterman and listen to some more witchcraft and think about how to metaphorize my entire life, and how that would require a lot of organizing mentally. so whatever.

today is contract due day, where i turn in my contract from this term and if i have allll my work handed in which i'm pretty sure i do, i will be able to leave school and go out and hang with my buddies. but fuck you anyway. life sucks. blaaaaaaaah fuck it.

do you ever like, have those days where you're just so utterly frustrated with everything and you're trying so hard to vent but venting just fucks everything up more so you just have to bottle it all inside you and then just spend the rest of your day being really passive aggressive?

maya has successfully figured out how to suck a fuck. how does one suck a fuck, exactly? ask maya.

i like the christmas babies, trent. and i like the way my skin feels when i wear my rainbow jacket.

what else is new with me and also completely random and irrelevant? oh yeah. i had a dream i went to my teachers house and there were a bunch of people from school there and other schools too. and ellie was there. and then i woke up (in my dream) and i had streaks of red in my hair and i couldn't remember anything and so i went around the entire city trying to figure out what happened but then i woke up and i couldn't fall back asleep.

also i saw whip it last night. it made me want to join a roller derby team. there weren't enough texan accents though.

also NUIT BLAAAANCHE.

FUCK YOU WORDPRESS

wordpress sucks wordpress sucks wordpress sucks.

apparently no one reads my blog because my template is ugly. what the fuck kind of bullshit is that? real people who care about real things wouldn't bitch and moan and not read my blog because of the template, they'd just not read my blog because i write like a self-absorbed moody teena-OH WAIT. yeah that's right.

nuit blanche rules nuit blanche rules nuit blanche rules.

i feel like swearing and yelling and throwing shit around. maybe i'm just a cranky little 8 year old who needs some fucking sleep. maybe i'm a 76 year old man with violent alzheimers. maybe i'm just myself and i've spent the entire day harboring major passive aggression and now i don't even feel like venting because it's just completely and utterly not worth it. ASSHOLEFACEMAN.

fuck you.

today.

today one of the seventh graders lent me her mother's copy of jpod and i've been reading it all day. i'm enjoying it a lot. i haven't read much lately, but i did finish the outsiders last night for english. now i'm anxiously awaiting being able to watch the moviee.
here's what else i'm anxiously awaiting. NUIT BLANCHE. in case you don't know, nuit blanche is basically when the entire city of toronto turns into a giant contemporary art show and it lasts from sunrise to sundown. my friends and i have a variety of ideas on how to get through the night sucessfully which include (ranging from realistic to non-realistic):
crashing at our own separate houses
crashing at tabetha's uncles condo
crashing at my cousins house
sleeping at someone's house and then going out all night fueled on red bulls
everybody pitching in $10 for a cheap hotel room somewhere on like spadina or something

i love my friends.

here's what else is new. for guitar class we got grouped according to our skills. now, when we were demonstrating our skills i was the only one who knew all my basic chords while everyone else didn't, so my teacher put me in the most advanced group with all the other people who knew their stuff. so basically i know nothing compared to these people, and they're talking scales and tablature and all this shit i don't know shit about and i can't even keep up. at all.

nuitblanchenuitblanchebluitnanchenuitblancenutiblanchenuitclabengnkjsfjndgjnjk.

i don't wanna fill your head with crazy crazy ideas

i love the people who are surrounding me at this point.
they make me feel beautiful, wanted, and they don't pressure me into anything i don't want to do. they understand me, they're trustworthy, and they let me know when i'm going too far.
trying to find a balance in my life right now is hard. it's really easy to talk about, but it's hard. i don't know how to find a balance, and even if i ever find it i doubt i'd know if i did.
here's how i'm feeling right now. content. i feel like i put i invested my trust into something i know will reward me. i feel like i'm ready to take on whatever comes, however disappointed i may be later. i feel like i'm flooooaaatiiiinngggg.

i was not myself last night, couldn't set things right with apologies or flowers.
out of place as a crying clown who could only frown and the play went on for hours.


anywayss. i feel great. i'm trying to finish a geography project but the weeny isn't answering her phone so i'll continue it in the moar-ning. mooooaaarrr.




halloween halloween halloween. i will HAVE HIS SOUL FOR HALLOWEEN.

sleep alone could ease my pain

you're a beautiful human being who i believe can do great things. i want you to succeed, and i want to be in a position where i can say i'm proud of you. i wish you could've been honest with me when i was right in front of you trying really hard to figure you out, and i wish i could've been able to help you when you were right in front of me reaching out for help. i wish i wasn't so self absorbed, and i wish i didn't feel like justifying everything, and i wish all these things didn't matter to me as much as they do.

i'll be the first to say that i fucked you over and stabbed you in the back. it was honestly not my intention, and i don't know why i even did it, but i can see now that it led to this rift between us and now i just feel responsible for everything that's happened. you can tell me otherwise, but you and i both know we've been friends too long, and our bond is too intense for us to not have had some sort of lasting effect on each other. i wish you had told me how much it had bothered you instead of running off to live a new life and telling me you were fine, then we wouldn't have all this tension and passive aggression between us.

i never judged you, i just wasn't interested in your partying ways. i know you were judging me when i was... well you know. but that's done and over with and now i'm in the process of asking myself WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT. LIKE SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK. i just want to smack my head against the table because SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK. i fall in love wayy too easily. with anybody. i mean anybody. does that make me fucked up? according to you it does, and that's okay. i guess.

maybe some day we'll see each other again and we can start completely fresh. i guess that was the plan anyway.

anything i'm missing? please let me know if you ever happen to see this.