SO.

So. It's been a couple months since anybody has written anything on here. I was just reading through this blog and it's ridiculous the amount of poetry I used to write. I just don't do that anymore. It's not like I have anything better to do, I've just sort of forgot that I used to write all the time. I kind of miss it now that I think about it.
I've been doing a lot of drawing lately except I lost my sketchbook so now Ive kind of stopped. But the more I draw, the more I realize how shitty I am and how great it is that I'm going to Rosedale so I can keep on bettering myself as an artist. I know that sounds faggoty, but art is really my thing. even if I'm not good at it. I love doing art. I love the feeling of converting my emotions into illustration. I love how when I do art, everything I do seems to open something up in my brain that unleashes poetry. I just love it. I wish I wasn't such a fuck up, and I wish I had more creativity when it came to art, otherwise I would do it all the time.

Anyway. So I'm not really blogging anymore because I've switched to Tumblr like the ex-pat that I am. so follow me at http://theonemanocean.tumblr.com/.
I mean, I guess nobody reads this blog anyway so it's not like I'll gain anymore followers.
But I love Tumblr because it's so much easier for people to follow you and see what you're about, where as Blogspot just doesn't quite do that for me.

Cheers.
Stellar

P.S. You may have noticed that I correctly capitalized everything in this post. If I ever post on this blog again, don't expect me to keep doing this. I'm just trying it out. So far I hate it.

EUGENE HUTZ, LEAD SINGER OF GOGOL BORDELLO WISHING THE FRENCH FRY A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND HE WILL DRINK A GLASS OF WINE IN YOUR HONOR KTHNX

OH MY GOODNESS

OH MY GOODNESS I ACTUALLY DID IT YOU GUYS IT HAS BEEN DONE OH MY GODDDDD

hey there my darling boo, i'm feeling hungry and unproductive, how about you?

it's been 8 months and i still can't think straight
my mind's blurry and i'll be dropping off at this rate
i've been broken and pushed away and stomped on and stolen
and i've alway known inside that my silence is golden
but the more i stay alone, i find the more i'm losing
what i've worked so hard for, the power of choosing
how i'm gonna spend my life, and what i need to do
and yet i still sit here on my ass thinking about you

i miss you

FUCK YOU YOU MUSHROOM HEADED CUNT

Citrus and Cinnamon

My Chicka,

I do remember those fucked-up times when you were off in Vancouver with your horrendous aunt. I've been having my own funky little family problems of late. I'm rather pissed at just about all of them: Keenan, my grandparents, my mother, and my dad especially. I've almost completely ignored him for the last few weeks. Why does he have to be so bloody useless? He spends the majority of his time meditating and fasting and being an all over dumbshit. I'd love to believe that I could do just fine without all of them, but we both know that's not quite true yet. I have this insane urge to rent a bunch of tearjerkers and sit in my room and cry. The old people I live with are started to really aggravate me- in fact, it's just Walter, the old man, who is outrageously pleasant all the time. He's dumb, racist, and can't stop forcing food on me, which pisses me off even more.

If you're going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair.

I need to take flight at some point. I want more than anything to be in San Fran with a few good friends and some nice drugs. What?

I love watching rhythm infect innocent bystanders. I'm in the computer lab with my dim-witted French class listening to Global Deejays, who aren't really half bad. I'm listening to this strange 60's pop remix soak into their muscles and noting a few of them twitch to the tune. A few of them are crazy ravers like me, and understand the influence of some good bass. Stella baby, I know you'd love to rave. It's a soul-bursting experience. There's just so many good people (and a few necessary bad ones)

and they make my world go round. I didn't make it to the starter rave this season, I decided to stay home in CBay and sleep, a decision I ultimately regretted. Sound like most everyone had a blast.

There's a few people here who spark my interest. Sadly I just don't feel quite safe enough on here to tell you all about them, in case they read this in some freak turn of fate. Highly unlikely, I know, but I'm a cautious one when it comes to self-preservation. But suffice it to say they're all sweethearts. There's one who is especially fantastic- and I think therefore all the more unattainable. Then again, humans have always been a bit tricky to grab onto. Even you've managed to slip out of my grasp.

...Remember when we dated? It makes me smile.

By the way, I hope you know that I smoked one of Bridget's joints out on the deck that night. I can't remember if I told you that or not.

On another note, I barely ever smoke weed anymore, with the exception of when I'm drunk and having too much fun not to. You proud?

I sliced my leg last night in the tub, and it bled for twenty minutes straight. I started to think about why people cut, as it wasn't the most pleasent of experiences, but I supposed I could see the attraction. The thing is, today it's all neat and puss-filled and I'm enjoying my wound. I'm going to go ahead and rent those tearjerkers tonight, as soon as I finish Gone With The Wind. What a dumb, badly acted, racist movie.

And that's it, that's all. I have a poem I wrote entitled "Citrus and Cinnamon" that I'll put up as soon as I find it.

Love,

Cinnamon

lela pala tute

hey darling,

i remember once when i was staying in vancouver with my psychotic ex-pole dancer aunt megan and emotionally weak grandmother and i was very frustrated with you for some reason and megan was being an asshole as per ususal and i was very unhappy and began to cry from all the stress and then megan started to talk down to me about how i was being a sniffling little pussy (not really, but she wasn't being very empathetic) and then i explained to her my friendship troubles and she gave me some advice from her experiences (which nobody should ever take, ever) with losing friends and said i should break it off then and there because friends don't last forever. and then i realized that the only reason she lost so many friends was because they all realized how crazy she was, so i disregarded her advice. and then you called me and i said i was sorry and that i didn't hate you and that everything was fine. and then megan heard me and went apeshit on me for being all deceitful and manipulating of her feelings. but you know we just can't break apart, no matter what.

looking back on that time is sort of painful. i was going through quite a bit of shit with megan who is totally fucking insane. any time that i spend with her is quite emotionally confusing and scarring and i still get really emotional thinking about it. i talked to a counselor about my family about a month ago and i couldn't even stop myself from crying because it really hurt to think about. i think i probably would have been a better person if i didn't have to experience all that.

i went to a gogol bordello concert on 4/20. it was a lot of fun but there were scary raver brats everywhere who were pushing everybody around and made it not so fun. it would have been super awesome if you were there.

so i'm going to see my dad sometime at the end of this month. we're going to all meet up in sackville, new brunswick, which is where my grandparents live. my sister is going to be there, as well as my dad's girlfriend, who is absolutely stunning.
also i'm going back to vancouver in the summer, and i'm probably going to stay with ellie. i don't think i'd want to go back to the shore. there are a lot of people i don't want to see, and a lot of people who don't want to see me. i wouldn't have the courage to go alone, anyway. maybe if bronwyn came with me it would be okay.

anyway. things are pretty slow over here. i'm feeling kind of lonely and sad and uninspired and i guess what i need is a change. i'm still waiting for things to come together, at least for a little while. i feel like i'm treading water with this rosedale thing, because my marks have been better and i need good marks if i don't want my application to rosedale revoked. i guess it's sink or swim, basically. i would be a mess if i didn't get in. i don't know what i'd do. probably drop out of school. remember those arguments you got into with mr. rude? and you'd always scare him into thinking you were going to drop out. that was pretty funny. if i did that with my teachers they'd probably give me higher marks just to make sure that didn't happen. or maybe they wouldn't. they're so unpredictable. that's what you get when you go to alternative school i guess.

i don't know if i ever told you about gogol bordello but they are amazing. you should check them out. they have this new album that just came out and it's really great which is good because almost all of my favourite artists are putting out sucky albums that i just can't enjoy no matter how hard i try.

i made some really good cookies yesterday. i wish you had been here to eat them because they were really tasty.

anyway this is kind of long. i suppose i have more to say but i can't remember it so it must not have been important.

also you should check out DeVotchKa. it's also a very good band. download their album a mad and faithful telling if you can.

I Stifle Those Shivers

I do so enjoy watching you grow up. I hope you feel the same about me.
Earlier this week the Theatre Department put up a Dinner Theatre and I'd like to think you would have been proud of me. I had an extravagant part as a morose Cockney British woman by the name of Evelyn. I blather on about 'offing meself' and in the last act I die by way of poison coffee. I got many congratulations for my performance and it slightly reminded me of Babes in the Woods however many years ago when we went swimming and ate all those swollamshram and read some awful poetry. That's what I meant about watching you grow up- it's just about viewing the expansion of your vocabulary (ooohhh big words) and your perception gradually widening.
The long and short of it is that I'm sad we went cold turkey. I love those little turns of phrase.
I started drinking again. Woo. Sorry baby, it's too much fun.
First rave of the season is this weekend- In Bloom. I'm just going to go and dance my heart out and make new friends like always, maybe this summer I'll have you with me.

Less than three, The Frenchy Fry.

raging stampedes

screaming gypsies

dancing little girls

soaked up to their knees in beer

and sweat dripping down their necks

the diamonds in your eyes

confusion in your voice

i always have the worst intentions .



another day



too much escaped

now i don't want to panic

but i still feel the pain

down in my ankles

up in my head

as i take another step towards home .



but the sun comes up

it will be on your side .

A Little Less Than Seven Hours

a shiver runs through my body when i think of how much i miss you. -stellar

Alright. Here's the 'other one', the seemingly less dedicated, the sweetheart, the fool. Back when we started this, it was intended to be a line of communication between Stella and myself- Annora, the French Fry- so that we could stay connected though we are some 2931 kilometers apart.

It's so much simpler to say vast, vague things than the simplicities that I want to tell you. Here's some basics.

I deleted my Facebook account because I was afraid of being addicted to it.

I'm getting a little more lost every day. I went swimming last night at about eight. In the lake. I was debating whether or not I wanted to go in for the moment, for the experience, or so I could have a shocking story to tell on the bus the next morning.

I jumped in regardless, and enjoyed the way my body went into overdrive trying to warm me up in the minutes after I came out. Then I spent about half an hour sitting on a huge rock singing to myself about a girl I like.

so it didn't take me anywhere great

and i'm kind of stuck at square one
with nothing to keep me attached to you
or anybody else for that matter
it's just kind of like
where do i go now
you know?
because nobody asked for any of this
you didn't
i didn't
we just sort of drifted apart
and i told you to remember
and you told me to forget
and i saw you dip your toes in
but then you got your whole foot wet

so yeah
fuck
i'm not sure what i'm going to do now
but i'm sure it'll all be fine

you're looking very fine today

it really is driving me crazy

i have an undetermined amount of time before the power goes out again and i'm plunged into complete and total darkness
the timer keeps on shutting our power off
and then turning it back on
and then shutting it back the fuck down
and i'm sick of it
i want to take this up with toronto hydro and scream and yell and be a little annoying brat
because i can't get what i want
and what i want is to be able to walk around the house without the fear that something unknown and strange will grab me out of the darkness and pull me under
it really is driving me crazy

the days are so nice
the sun is spilling through the cracks of the clouds
i feel pretty good
and i have you again
it's all pretty nice
and i hope it all takes me somewhere wonderful

blowing bubbles

damn proportions

i knew i'd screw this one up.

"your poem sucks faggoty shit balls"

don't try and edit
don't try and undo the past
even if you can
don't
let it flow
feel the wind
fix your hair
shoo away the flies
don't think
don't listen
just
write
bite
fly a kite
don't look right
just look
left
think about who you want
if you want
where you want
or don't
maybe do
who knows who
what knows what
press the backspace
into hyperspace
my condolences
you're so far
away.

poetry? not for me.

never looking forward
our tattered hearts collide
we are blind to the future
we cannot look behind
the scars reappear
crooked fences are rebuilt
we stand on one side only
mending rags with silk

bury your head from the regression
it's not for your eyes
when you're falling through the crack
pretend not to realize
in these waters that you've drowned in
ignore your own pitiful cries

i know this girl

i know this girl.

perhaps i don't know her. maybe she doesn't really exist. maybe i'll never see her again. maybe she'll never exist again.

her name is TEMPERANCE. it feels like sugar and snow on my tongue, every syllable, every sound and movement my tongue makes when her name is in my mouth. i can never let it out though, or else the sugar will turn to ash and the snow to fire and my world will spin around my head, although i don't know this yet and perhaps i'll never find out.

i can't wrap my head around this girl, nor can i get her out of it.
i see her heart melt with loneliness and sadness and i want to help her but our hearts aren't meant to collide, neither are our hands meant to touch. i cannot see this girl through anything but a virtual window of sadness, and we cannot speak. we are mute. but we are in love.

she will leave me behind but i know her heart will always ache for me, and i know that her heart will still conjure up images of me, even if i am long gone from her brain. there are too many distances in between us. we are in different places in every way but only time will shake each other out of our minds. soon time will erase the twinkle of sadness in her eyes, the fire in her hair, the drawings and doodles and scars from her skin. her heart will ache. and as for me, i will never learn my lesson. i will remember the words that she spoke to me on that day, when she told me to take that road and to do what i always wanted to do, but the words will seem hollow and meaningless after this is all done and over with. but it will never be done with. the story will have an end, but the end has not come yet.

bad shittt

so i'm doing really bad in school. i almost failed my report card and i failed this contract and apparently i'm in 'serious danger' of transfering to rosedale, but i'm in denial so i'm refusing to believe that this is true. but i will mend this situation and do better as this contract is better and filled with writing projects which fills my heart with joy.

also it was my birthday a couple of days ago and i officially turned 14 and it was enjoyable.

so that's all that's really new. i think one day i'll sit down and write a really long blog post about shit that's more dominant in my life right now, like how my gym teacher is a duck and my aunt is psycho and whatnot. but my brain isn't really settled down enough quite yet at the moment so many apologies.

x

it's all in due time

i don't really know where this post is going so i'm going to start by mentioning what i think is important.
FIRST THING. i got into rosedale heights school of the arts. i am going to spend the next four years of my life in a state of art making bliss among other people who make art and hopefully be happy. of course, life is never actually like that and it is always that everything will go wrong beyond belief. but nonetheless, i am extremely joyous and excited and nervous all at the same time. all of my friends got in as well so we are going to all go to rosedale and have our bastard krew and maybe start a new generation of hipsters.
also i've started writing short stories again except this time i'm actually finishing them.
and i dyed my bangs purple in a highly uncharacteristic and impulsive act and it looks kind of stupid and i'm slightly disappointed. so eventually i am going to leap from blonde and purple to straight up brown. and it will happen for real. it's all in due time.

this never happened.

once upon a time there was a girl who was lonely. she had friends off in other parts of the world, but she knew that was irrelevant and that truly she was alone and had no one. she had heard of a man through a mention of adoration by someone who was very very important to her. almost too important, and she knew that that importance could not and would not last forever and that she would need to be the one to sever that tie. as she heard more and more about the man, she because curious and when she finally met him, she teased him and flattered him and provoked him. she knew it was wrong deep down inside her, but it didn't stop her because she enjoyed the attention this man gave her. she would always act like she wasn't as lonely as she really was if she knew he was watching her, which he might have been. or he might not have been. she never looked at him directly, not once, so she was never certain if he ever truly looked her in the eye. and if he didn't, maybe that was for the best. maybe if he had he would have truly seen her for what she was, seen the pain that lay behind her otherwise confident and beautiful eyes.
she knew she could have any sort of power over him, but as time went on she began to feel the opposite, like she was slipping and now he had power over her and she could do nothing but keep flattering him, keep stroking his ego.
this girl lived in a magical land of hedonistic ignorance that she knew she had to leave, but she knew that even if she left she would always be bound to it. she avoided the hedonistic ignorance as much as she could because she knew she would never fit into the ideals of these people.
but when this man gave her attention, she could feel for a second that maybe she could belong, that maybe these people would accept her or maybe she could shape herself and change herself into these people's ideals. but there was a part of her that knew everything was wrong, that this man was wrong, that this wasn't love, that she could never even begin to change or even understand herself, and that she would probably be lonely forever.
she never told anybody what was going on, and if she did she never gave the entire truth.
the lonely girl never figured out if this man was aware of the power he had over her, or if maybe he was just an innocent little child at heart who couldn't take responsibility for himself or his actions. he seemed sincere enough, but there was just something about him she never quite trusted, and even after she was long gone from that magical land and he was long gone from her life she couldn't think of what it was. all she knew was that the heartache this man bestowed on her kept leaving and coming back and leaving and coming back until she had no idea how to fix it, no idea how to stop the dreams of him from flowing into her head, no idea what to say or how to get it off her chest and with that the stress became unbearable and all her hair fell out one by one and then her heart exploded. she died alone.

baby party

my mom just came in to inform me that the gray creek hall baby party is today, and then proceeded to put her head on my shoulder and mock-weep and then say she hopes someone is taking pictures. i don't understand the relationship between my mom and i anymore. sometimes i feel like we're best friends who can talk about anything but secretly despise each other. sometimes she just has intense mood swings and i can't see them coming at all and it's like a bullet in my stomach and i despise that. sometimes i feel like she's just a sheep, just doing what the other authority figures are telling her to do, dealing with me the way they think i should be dealt with, as if somehow they know what's best for me. but i think my mom is stronger than she thinks she is at this time. i think at some point she'll realize that she needs to let go of me in some ways, although i'll never ever want to lose her as a friend.